A Letter of Sympathy to Big Tobacco

Posted by

December 16, 2008

Sorry about your luck Altria (MO), Reynolds American (RAI), Philip Morris (PM) and British American (BTI)… our litigious society plans on taking you back to court for another beating.

Apparently, the way you described “light” wasn’t adequate. You should have known that smokers who smoke light cigarettes offset that lightness by smoking them differently than they would have smoked a regular cigarette (and no, I’m not joking).

On the other hand, I think the litigants have a reasonable question - If ‘light’ means less tar and less nicotine, does that mean there’s less tar and less nicotine in the cigarette, or does that just mean less tar and nicotine is getting into a smoker’s lungs… because of the so-called lightness? I’m not judging – I’m just asking. Nobody’s answered that question.

Still, I’m mostly on your side….now. I know you used to engage in the practice of holding guns to people’s heads and telling them they had to smoke, or else. I’m glad you stopped doing that though, which is why I can support you now.

Don’t get me wrong – I hate what you still do, and I would love for you to devote your time and talents to creating higher-yield food crops, and yes, even developing healthier vices. I think it’s also worth qualifying that I reside in a state where tobacco is the leading crop – I have directly benefited from tobacco myself, though I’ve never smoked. So, I do empathize with you.

If it makes you feel any better, I’m going to jump on the bandwagon myself and file a class action suit against Anheuser Busch (BUD). They never clarified what they meant by “Drink responsibly”, and I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out on my own. So, I’ll blame them and score some cash when it’s all said and done. Man I love this zero-accountability stuff.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you guys and your investors though…. you’ll probably win your state-based cases. It’ll cost you millions to fight it, but at least you’ll win. Once that layer of precedent is in place, I can’t think of too many other angles from which your companies can be attacked. Then again, never underestimate the creativity of a litigation-crazed public.

Share and Enjoy: